a blog about blogs

this is going to sound really weird and probably kind of dumb but people used to tell me that I have a way with words.

I used to write things a lot. unimportant things. well, I don't want to say unimportant things, but probably uninteresting things. we all know that I'm a bit emotional (no way!) and so when that started to creep up I just got it all out on paper. or sometimes not even that. sometimes I would just write about a good conversation I had that day or a good movie I saw. I don't really know why I did this, but I enjoyed it. it helped me sort out my thoughts a bit. and so I wonder why I stopped and I think it's because I often sounded overly pensive and/or whiny. I think I'm a lot more positive now than I used to be. I really do love my life. so I thought: why not try this blogging thing again? because I'm scared, I think. I deleted all of my old ones because they were really embarrassing. I just don't want to embarrass myself. I don't want people to read my blog and be like, "differeeent," like in a mean way, not in a joking-we're-friends kind of way. but then I thought, boo that. I just want to put a little bit of me out there. isn't that what a blog is for?

so here we go.

right now I'm watching friends. see? not too interesting. let's try that again.

right now I'm watching friends alone at school. it's spring break and I'm not leaving for the beach until monday and my family lives far far away and so I'm staying here until then. there's nobody else on my hall, though a few people are in the building for various reasons.. but I just went to the bathroom and the hallway smelled like burnt popcorn but I didn't eat any popcorn. I'm frightened but the motion sensing lights were off so either somebody elsewhere has very strong smelling burnt popcorn or my future kidnapper/killer is chillin out in the laundry room with a snack waiting for me to walk on by. I ran past, just in case. joey just accidentally proposed to rachel and she said yes which is going to make things very awkward in the next episode. and now friends is over and that 70s show is on which I like substantially less than friends. I'm cold but that doesn't make sense because I usually don't get cold. because it makes no sense, I'm not going to turn my heat on. I may go to sleep soon but I may watch how I met your mother on netflix.

when I read other people's blogs sometimes, I wonder if that's really them. like I wonder if that's how they would talk or if that's how their thoughts are organized and usually if I know the person, the answer is no. obviously I don't know what their brains are like, but I hear them speak. I have conversations with these people and it makes me think that they are thinking too much about what they are writing. I don't like to do that. hence the whole grammar thing. like, I really enjoy grammar. it's actually one of my favorite things. I believe I was just telling someone the other day about how fascinated I am with prepositions, but that's beside the point. the point is that I like to just let things flow. I don't want to ponder my word choice or take the time to hold down the shift key (so much effort) when I could lose something that I just want to get out there, even if it's unimportant. this is how my thoughts are. quick and unpunctuated and so that's how I want people to see them. if I'm going to expose myself why would I half ass it by changing my presentation? this is me biddies.

one of my former english teachers (shout out to you momma j) used to comment on my blog posts like all the time in high school. she would tell me that I could put emotions and experiences into words very well and I really did take that to heart. when I seemed unhappy she would tell me that I should just wait, because she thought I would thrive in college.. that I would be happy here and she could see me just wanted to be here forever. how true is that, right? I just sometimes worry that I get too concerned about how shitty leaving is going to be that I am wasting the time that I do have here on thinking about moving on. I need to stop that. I can worry about life after college.. after college. right now, I'm here. I should be hanging out with my sisters and singing and studying and planning shit and being there for my residents and drinking coffee and laughing and sitting outside reading books and going for walks downtown and eating easy mac and enjoying the two and a half years I have left not crying about what will happen in two and a half years. the next two and a half years need to be spent as college macy. grown up macy can worry about herself. eventually.

and I'm not sure if that is the right way to think but if I'm going to chill and stop freaking the fuck out then I need to convince myself it's true. I mean, it totally is, though. I love my life so I should obviously live it before it changes. and if I do that then I can only hope that I love my future life just as much.

but if worrying about the future is so stupid, then why do I do it? I don't think that I'm a stupid person.